Raw...vulnerable....defeated....hurt...

Feelings…can we trust them? What do feelings reveal about us? Do they show us a glimpse into our heart? Can we move forward and trust God with everything?

I wake up on any given morning and greet the day with hope and optimism! As the day goes on intrusive thoughts bombard my mind. "I don't want these unwelcome enemies of my subconscious." I remind myself that as a bipolar individual these thoughts will pass and that this is not the real me. Through adherence to a plan of recovery for me by taking my meds, exercise and nutrition, I know I can live a somewhat reasonable life.

I have a voice that can be used to declare truth and healing for others. Sometimes Fear grips me and wants to mute my voice. But I believe I'm here for a reason and a purpose. My voice cannot be drowned out anymore by the lies within. "I can do this," I tell myself. The journey is arduous, but I press on. I will fight and not give up. 

Matthew 7:14 NLT reminds me that small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life and few find it 

My Journey to find Christ :

• 1990 in the midwest state of Indiana. Vanessa, my best friend, and I are watching a video of a Christian musician. Peace envelopes my being.
• 1995 Muncie, Indiana at Ball State University, A roommate speaks of Christ and invites me to church. I am hesitant to go, not knowing what to expect. 
• 1997 in Fort Wayne, Indiana, while sitting in my room listening to CBN Christian network, I hear of God's power and grace. Later that year A friend invites me to an International Bible group. I decide to go …. I become a part of the group for the next 5 years and even get baptized at a local church. I flourish in many ways that I never thought I would. I begin getting to know Christ. I experience what feels like Healing waters come my way. Soon, the desire for a husband replaces my love for Christ. In my desperation I met an abusive man who would violate me in every way. I know God is not pleased. I have rejected Christ to please myself. Didn't I know the way of Christ would be hard …..I turn to find my way back to Christ and He redeems me back to Him. It was a close call, but one of many to come my way in the years ahead.
• 2001 Noblesville, Indiana this is a move to try something new and see what the Lord has for me. Unfortunately, the path I take for the next 9 years leads me into a wilderness of sorts. There is a diagnosis of bipolar along the way. I ask, "Where are you God?"
•  2012 Fort Wayne, Indiana I'm living back at home with my folks. Living with my parents was not the ideal situation I wanted to be in. Then came A chance meeting with a woman named Wendy. This Godly woman is first approached by my desperate mom seeking help from someone who could help her depressed daughter. "I heard you are a Christian! My daughter is a Christian too. She is depressed and doesn't have any friends. Would you be her friend?" ….

Wendy Sherrill now is my friend, my sister and spiritual guide.....Jesus in flesh for me and for other women. It didn't take long for me to become close to Wendy. Shortly after meeting her I began attending the Fort Wayne Church of Christ. I also began studying the Bible with Wendy and a sister named Amy. I began to see things in the Word of God I had not pondered before. The word repentance came up in my studies. "What was repentance," I asked myself. Was this the missing link to my Christianity in the past?

The Bible says …In those days John the Baptist came to the Judean wilderness and began preaching. His message was, “Repent of your sins and turn to God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.”

Matthew 3:1-2 NLT

Had I gone through the wilderness and years of confusion because I did not adhere to repentance? What about the church and the body of Christ? Hadn't I been a part of that in the past ? yet why did I drift away? My questions began to be answered one by one as my studies continued. The day came when God called me to be baptized!!! A true baptism of repentance and commitment to make Jesus Lord in my life… I did not question this, even though I had been baptized before, this was different. This was going to be the real deal. I would finally be free! As I was submerged into the waters of baptism I came out a new person! Praise God a new life with a new family of God.

I thought it would be smooth sailing now, but one evening , as I prepared to leave my parents home to go to women's midweek, my dad blocked the door from my leaving. "What was happening," I thought to myself….. Would my new decision to follow Christ cost me relationships? My mother had decided in her heart that Wendy and the Christian's could not be trusted, she didn’t approve of me tithing my money and she felt betrayed by the time I was spending away from home…. even though she had reached out to them first. I decided to move out shortly after this from my parents home to live with a single sister.

The Bible says: And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life. Matthew 19:29 NLT

It's been 10 years now since my baptism on June 7th, 2012. I have grown by leaps and bounds thanks to the sacrifice and dedication of many saints. Sisters who became my disciple partners, who held my hand and spoke truth to me and paved the way for me. I’ve experienced highs and lows in my Christian walk….. 

The raw pain and fears are still there in my heart, and Sometimes I still feel like I am being deceived by the enemy and believing his lies…. But I’m standing strong. The road ahead is marked with weekly therapy appointments and staying in God's Word. I stay on my meds and trust God. Something in my subconscious mind is often not at ease… nevertheless, I know through all my support systems in Omaha Nebraska where I now live, I will survive. My support systems include my Omaha Church of Christ family, my biological family, my therapist, my Overeaters Anonymous family and my WECC work family. I'm not alone, and I hear the mantra that I choose to live by .. "Better Together". 

As I continue to strive for truth, healing and recovery, I blaze a trail for people to come. I have a voice and I will let God use me in any way He feels. I realize now as I look back at my journey that those times that were the darkest is when my light shined the brightest. There is hope, and yes we are "better together" in this world. I am your friend and sister in Christ. I am a child of God. I am a mosaic of different pieces put together by love. I am forgiven. I am loved deeply. I am here Lord.....send me.

So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.”

Matthew 9:38 NLT

Madhavi Bargmann Sister in Christ